The Story Tifa Never Knew
by Rikkuffie
Summary: This is a story about Cloud Strife being interviewed by Yuffie about certain issues dealing his past. Since the summary has to be G-rated I can't really tell you ENTIRELY what this fanfic is about, so just read on and find out for yourself! Enjoy! ^.^


CLOUD IS GAY, AND THAT'S OKAY! ; THE STORY TIFA NEVER KNEW  
  
Written by: Rikkuffie 8-17-02  
  
Yuffie: Hello, and welcome to "Cloud is Gay, and That's Okay! ; The Story Tifa Never Knew"! I'm your host, Yuffie Valentine. I pursued my interviewing career and now here we are today with the #1 spikey-headed gaywad of all time, Cloud Stiff- I mean, Strife! So, Cloud, the basics. When did you realize you loved men?  
  
Cloud: Well, I've gotta say I realized it in those Shin-Ra locker rooms. Just the odor of men makes me so haaaaaaaaappy! *smile*  
  
Yuffie: O....k? That's absolute GROSS-NESS! Anyway, I thought you loved Tifa?  
  
Cloud: See, that's where everyone has it wrong. Cloud grabs his crotch Tifa and I were never really anything. Why do you think at the end of our adventure I didn't marry her? Grabs himself again  
  
Yuffie: Hmmm....that does make sen- STOP GRABBING YOUR DAMN CROTCH! Okay, what about your date with Barret at the Golden Saucer?  
  
Cloud: Oh I was so happy when I saw him! I finally know there are others out there like me! And that Gondola ride was, to say the least, very "rockin'"! *wink*  
  
Yuffie: Oh....my....gawd.....ok Cloud that was too much information. So, what about your relationship with Zack? Many rumors have spread about that.  
  
Cloud: Zack is my one true love. Tifa doesn't know this, but I didn't want to join SOLDIER to impress her, I wanted to join it because muscle-men really turn me on!  
  
Yuffie: How about we bring Zack onto the show? C'mere, Zacko!  
  
Zack comes onto set  
  
Zack and Cloud: They start making out  
  
Cloud: I love you, man!  
  
Zack: I love you too!  
  
Yuffie: Wait a minute! Isn't Zack supposed to be dead?!  
  
Cloud: Wait a minute! Aren't you supposed to be arrested?  
  
Yuffie: Huh?  
  
Cloud: You, a 16 year old, seduced a 28 year old man and married him, that's illegal!  
  
Yuffie: She steals his materia *blush* Stay on subject! *ahem* ANYWAY, after getting shot in the head, Zack, how did you live?  
  
Zack: That was just a setup so Aeris and Tifa wouldn't find out about me and Cloudykins.  
  
Yuffie: ...Cloudykins?  
  
Aeris runs onto set in a rampage and shoots Zack in the head  
  
Yuffie: That's Aeris for ya! HEY! WAIT! She's supposed to be dead too! Aeris sit down for a moment.  
  
Aeris: Okay.  
  
Yuffie: Aren't you supposed to be dead? I mean, you got stabbed and then buried in the water...  
  
Aeris: Haven't you ever heard of a Phoenix Down?  
  
Yuffie: I thought those were only for use in battle. Oh well. So where were you all this time?  
  
Aeris: I found my soulmate.  
  
Yuffie: Well I don't feel like welcoming anymore guests right now, so kiss off. Cloud, what the Fuuuuuuuuuuunguar is up with that gay purple and pink outfit?  
  
Cloud: It's red, adjust your tv!  
  
Yuffie: Whoops, sorry. Your outfit IS purple though, that's gay. Here's one of my favorite quotes; "With a name like Cloud, it has to be gay!"  
  
Aeris: Isn't that from a Smuckers commercial?  
  
Yuffie: Yeah, Cloud sponsors the purple jelly so he got his own commercial.  
  
Aeris: Haha, who has a name like CLOUD? That IS queer!  
  
Yuffie: Alright Aeris, you can leave now.  
  
Cloud: *singing* OHHHHHHHH I WISH I HAD AN OSCAR MEYER WEINER.........!  
  
Yuffie: *sweatdrop* I think it's time we take a commercial break...  
  
The tape switches to a commercial  
  
Flat-chested Tifa: Oh no! My boobs are too small, what ever am I to do?  
  
Voice from nowhere: Try Buster Bouncers! A can of Buster Bouncers pills appear in Tifa's hand  
  
Tifa: chugs down the whole bottle of pills Thank you Buster Bouncers! Her shirt becomes too small for her and rips open as she falls to the floor, dead  
  
The tape switches back to the show  
  
Aeris: yelling offscreen Gimme back my Buster Bouncers!  
  
Cloud: *mumbling* What a turnoff.... a loud crash is heard in the background  
  
Yuffie: Um...I better go check what that was....Well, I guess that's our show for today! Tomorrow we have....the story behind Kiros and Ward- FOR THE LOVE OF LEVIATHAN! Why the hell am I stuck dealing with gays?! Oh well, Vinnie c'mere! I need some Smuckers right about now.  
  
Vincent: SMUCKERS!!!!!!!  
  
Yuffie: Now remember children, with a name like Cloud, it HAS to be gay. Good night! Runs away with Vincent  
  
Cloud: I'm so lonely...where'd everybody go?!?!  
  
Sephiroth: From behind set Why don't you come on back over here, Cloud?  
  
Cloud: His eyes bug out of his head I'm there!  
  
To be continued....... 


End file.
